Number Two

So the saga continues ... We find out that long weekend that N2 is on the way and what better news could a couple who have only just returned to their normal life receive? We were blown away! I never wanted more then one child, N1 was all I ever needed and she was my world, still only young I too was a little selfish and didn't want to be going down this path again! I remember crying and crying for days when I found out! Smiles on the outside, tears on the inside! But no one to blame but myself. Then I realised that there was nothing to be done, I was to hold my head up high and soldier on. My hubby was the best support, he too was initially shocked! But this new found love and respect we had found for each other was more then we could ever need! This made me start to feel comfortable with the idea, I knew that we would be ok! Thankfully we were building a bigger home! I went to see my doctor to have everything confirmed and to complete the required tests. She was able to confirm, but she was more concerned about me! The thought hadn't even crossed my mind, but sadly she put it there! Having previously had postnatal depression, she was concerned that with the hormonal roller coaster ride I might head into depression early! I assured myself, now that I am aware of what the signs are I will keep it in toe! I do not want to be medicated, especially whilst pregnant! This was something that I haven't even considered speaking to anyone about, even hubby! Bad move! Whilst I might think everything is OK, others see things differently! A few weeks down the track, we tell the family! Hubby's family are thrilled! The news was great for them, we were back together, building a new home, and growing our little family! Then it was time for my parents! I don't have such a great relationship with my parents so I found it hard even bringing up the topic or finding a way to tell them! So we just blurted it out, mum was speechless and dad response "What the hell for" So that was wonderful! They left not long after and I crawled into bed and cried! Parents ... I went on about my life as normal, the pregnancy was a normal one for me as was N1. I never really suffered morning sickness, I had a little spell of low blood pressure, but other then that life was ... normal! I went to work, came home, cooked and cleaned, just like every other mum! As week 15 or 16 creeped up on us. I had told work and they too were thrilled! The day I informed my boss, was also the day another staff member told her that she too was expecting! Just a few weeks earlier then I! We thought it was wonderful! Great excuse for Mac Attacks (McDonald's) when ever she worked! Thankfully that was only twice a week! As the months past hubby and I had discussed moving in with a friend whilst our house was being built. This would free up a lot funds to help the building process! So in early October we pack up the house and made our way around the corner to our friends house. Hubby and this friend have known each other for 15 years or so! They are great friends and we had actually asked him if would be the godfather to N2!! Initially he was meant to be moving to QLD for 12 months with work, we would then move into his room so we had room for the baby and N1 would take one of the spare rooms. There was another friend living there at that time too! So us moving in while he was away meant that he didn't have to rent the house out to someone else and could have somewhere to stay when he visited home! It's safe to say that he didn't end up moving interstate ... He instead found himself a girlfriend and stayed put! So we ended up in the two spare rooms! Hubby and I in one and N1 in the other! Mind you, I am 5 months pregnant now and the house hasn't even started to be built! We were still at the planning stage, waiting for approvals and what not! This situation after week one reeked disaster! There were 4 adults and one child living in a 35 square home, plenty of room ... but the only problem for me was the male to female ratio! 3 males to 1 female ... me! Luckily I was pregnant and did A LOT of nesting! I found myself cleaning everything, bathrooms, laundry, kitchen, these guys had been living here for 4 years before we got here so could you only imagine how disgusting it would have been! The bathroom was probably the worst, but the easiest to clean!! Hubby started to notice a bit of a change in me, he was commenting on my reactions to things more, telling me to relax, ease up on telling N1 off all the time, why are you sleeping so much? These three questions right here should have rung warning bells ... but it didn't. I was falling into the same trap as last time! Blindly! Having not told hubby what the doctor had said meant he didn't know what to look for either, just thought I was being hormonal! Which I'm sure didn't help! I started to feel really withdrawn from the world, I stopped ringing people, I didn't want people coming round, I hated footy nights, or card nights, I just wanted to be on my own, after about a month or two of this, I started to realise what was happening! Same scenario, different scene! I spoke to my doctor and she was releived that I was able to recognise the signs!! She advised that medication was not the path to take as long as I was comfortable enough to maintain this myself. She stronly advised that I speak to my hubby about my situation so he can give me a nudge if he thought I was heading that way again! But in the area of medication she was adamit that it would not be a wise move in the finally stage of pregnancy (only one month to go). That last month flew! Hubby was being so fantastic, sadly I never told him the details into that last doctors visit, I just asked that he let me know when I'm moody so I can change! He bought it! Not sure if you have picked up on it, but I'm not the kind of person who likes to be fussed over. I don't like being patted and waited on when I'm sick, I usually just like to rest and get back to it as soon as I can, hubby is the same, so we understand that about each other! But I know if anyone knew that I may have been suffering depression, they would have been walking on egg shells and trying to help, but really I didn't want the help, all I need is to be able to get on with things so I'm not sitting around dwelling while someone else does the work for me! Finally ... February 13th comes round ... Friday the 13th! I was booked in to be induced in the morning, not having had much luck with N1 and her inducing, I wasn't completly sold that this would work for me! Sadly I had two serves of the gel with not much luck so my obs broke my waters later that night. N2 was born at 2.14am Saturday 14th February 2009, spot on her due date! I held that little girl so tight in my arms, it was the happiest moment ever! I know I was too young with N1 to really enjoy her birth! But this ... man ... it was amazing! She was so beautiful and hubby and I cried, with joy and relief. I knew everything would be fine! I was the happiest I could ever remember being! I felt great after the birth, I'm sure it was the pethidine! I floated about the hospital like I was on a cloud, even when I returned home! It was the same feeling. She was such a good girl, slept well fed well, N1 was so in love too! She brought so much joy into the house, they guys were love struk aswell, even though they complained she did nothing! She had her moments too where she had us pulling out our hair! She was sick and sooky, and the sleepless nights took its toll on everyone! Fortunately we lived with the deepest sleepers, and even though she may have been screaming her little lungs out, I could still hear snoring from every room, just not ours!! After a month of N2 being born, hubby was faced with a horrible work decision to be made. He was told that work was getting quite on the construction front in Victoria and they were looking at putting a lot of guys off! So he was told that he could risk the chance at being laid off or he could take on a job interstate and ride the quite period out! This was a very tough decision for him with a newborn at home, as well as the rest of his family! As we were also about to start construction on our house too, he decided that he would be crazy not to take the interstate job, not only for job security, but the extra pay would help soooo much! He left only two weeks later! Very sad and tearful good bye, but N1 dealt with it so well! She was probably tougher then I was!! The first couple of days were the hardest, but we all dealt with the situation really well, us girls had each other! Sadly hubby was in WA by himself, and that was hard for him! He would work all day then come home to nothing, in a state he had never been to, so knew nothing about or anyone there! After a month and a half, the company flew him home for N1s birthday! It was a little premature but it really didn't matter as long as we could have him home! It was only for 4 days, but it was the best 4 days ever for he and the girls! They really needed to see each other! For he and I on the other hand, we found it a lot harder! Clearly we had both adjusted to being without each other and the time he was home we just pissed each other off!!! He returned to WA and we apologized for all the negativity that had been while he was home! But it worried me! I was concerned that we were going to head down the same path as we always dis, where we give up on each other! After another month and a half, he was home for good! I had prepared myself for a rough transition, getting used to being together again! But I had no idea how hard it was going to be! It was so hard! Too hard!! He was angry all the time, at me, at the girls, and was always picking at everything we did! Complaining about everything! It drove me nuts! I remember one night in particular, only just after he returned home, he was picking at the routine I gad the girls in and I lost it! I had been on my own for 3 months, doing everything and all he had done since returning home was criticize everything I did! We didn't speak for a couple of days ... Then there was a change in him. He became really quite and reserved, didn't talk much, slept a lot and started to distance himself from everyone, even his girls! I picked up on the warning signs but I have no idea how to deal with someone else's depression! I tried talking to him to see if there was something in particular that was wrong, but that got us no where! He did however tell me about wanting to be on his own, and take a holiday on his own, he needed to escape life somehow! This frightened me! We had fought previously, but neither of us ever wanted to leave! Except when we separated! There were plenty other topics that we spoke about that would worry me, bit I honestly have no idea how to handle someone who had fallen so completely into depression, and so quickly!! I rang beyond blue hoping ti get some help. They sent me our some information, but all I really got out of it was I can't help him until he is ready to help himself! Which is true, but what do you so in the mean time? I put up with a lit of bad moods and his temper was so bad! The girls could be laughing and playing and that would be enough to set him off! Then one day, while he was in one of his moods, I lost it! Completely!! It was like it wasn't me! I told him straight out that I thought he was suffering depression and he laughed at me, telling me I'm blowing things out of proportion! So I told him that if that's not the cases then I dint need to stay and put up with all thus shit! I threatened to leave and he told me to go. I broke down at that moment! Our little team was breaking apart! We agreed when we got back together that if we broke up again, it would be for good! So that is how I know that we were both very serious!! But then, when I broke down in tears, he held me so tight, tighter than I could ever imagine and apologized over and over and over! He didn't want to be like that and I knew that too! We both needed to be more compassionate! He refused to see a doctor and didn't want to be medicaid either! But with the construction of our house under way, that basically took up every spare second in his life! He didn't have time to be depressed! Until the house was finished that is!